As many experience the process of transmutation and change through self education and self discovery, an unnerving grief may sink its talons into our psyche; its grip implacable; its grasp, irreconcilable–a grief that emerges as a result of using an enlightened viewpoint to judge past behaviors and choices that were made in the dark. Subsequently, the ritual of psychological self-flagellation occurs as we begin engaging in an infectious, self-contaminating routine of self-blame, shame, guilt and regret; internalizing a myopic and punitive narrative that distorts a complete picture of the totality of our experiences. What we seek; what we need, is clemency. Who better to receive and express compassion to other than yourself. In spite of the amount of books you read or adages you subscribe to; in spite of the amount of compassion and validation you receive from others, nothing can come closer to the literal felt experience of being acquainted with your own slice of the human experience. Although many can empathize, sympathize and somewhat relate to the things you will inevitably go through, nothing will come closer to apprehending what it feels like for you to experience you–not even a perfectly crafted genetic clone of yourself. For this, we are in a way relegated to walking this idiosyncratic path of unique experiences alone. Here is where self compassion must be implemented with nonnegotiable and unyielding stubbornness. As discussed in previous chapters, we will be faced with all manner of challenges that test the very limits of our sense of self, relationships, behaviors, beliefs, emotions and more. It is not a matter of if we will have these experiences, but when. Many of us have already suffered and witnessed directly or indirectly ineffable pain that escapes conceptualization and expression even to ourselves, let alone those around us. Inscribed onto the very fabric of human experience is the history of striving, survival, loss, disappointment, yearning, scratching and clawing for space, resources, peace, belonging, agency, safety, sanity and solitude. And while we wait our turn on the conveyor belt moving us toward the unavoidable hamster wheel of pain, futility and disappointment, we must take heart and have self compassion. Self compassion that this one pain cannot be avoided. Self compassion for what it will do to you. Self compassion that you will be changed by the experience. Self compassion for your inner child and your current self and your inner elder. Self compassion that you could barely protect yourself let alone another. Self compassion that you were scared, ashamed, craven. Self compassion that you didn't know any better. Self compassion that maybe you thought you knew better–but how could you? If you knew this pain and suffering would be the outcome you would have certainly made a different choice; taken a different path. Self compassion that you were powerless in one situation or another. Self compassion because this will not be the last time you will feel the pain and suffering inherent in being born in this world, in your body, in your family, your country, in this place, this time, this zeitgeist. Epoch. Moment. Self compassion that no one gave you a blueprint, a map, a compass, the skills, the tools, the instruments you needed and even if by some fortune someone did, they were rudimentary and remedial at best. Self compassion that you did not know what questions to ask or what answers to give. Self compassion simply for the sake of it.

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